7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
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[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over