ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
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Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
blocked.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.