Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
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toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Jupiter
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.