Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
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Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary