Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
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How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Doctors texting each other.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky