me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
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My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.