A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
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Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.