You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
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BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Bros before Ohioes
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.