Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
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Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
I identify as an antique shop.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.