I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
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I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
idk flipping houses looks really hard
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
ACED my prostate exam!
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start