I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
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[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Seems legit
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know