the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
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Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”