*controversially pours a glass of milk*
You Might Also Like
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
As the Lord intended
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I hate when that happens.