Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
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Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous