[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
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If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
we’re gonna need another temp
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
They’re not wrong
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.