Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
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I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost