I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
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Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Finally a use for spoilers…
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Found my door mat
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.