Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
You Might Also Like
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
This is me
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Bro what is this
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom