As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
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When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
me when the borders lift
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.