thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
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“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Twitter is an abusement park.
this has done me in for some reason
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
What if the weather talks about us?
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.