me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
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My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
when there are deer in the woods
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside