[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
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i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
o shit
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet