Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
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It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.