*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
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Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Phones down.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.