Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
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So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too