Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
You Might Also Like
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.