If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
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If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.