[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
You Might Also Like
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.