[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
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termite twitter scares me
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
it must be school picture day
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done