A classic…
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Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
🤣dope
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”