Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
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The only good comments section online is on recipes
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!