[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
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My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Can’t. Being lazy.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.