him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
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They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”