Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
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Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?