I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
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You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Just had my nails done!
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.