4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
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I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
That’s a good costume, I hope.