Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
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I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
OH. COME. ON.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.