Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
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SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Boating season is upon us.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call