[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
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We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
⛄️
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Just as the prophecy foretold
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.