I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
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To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.