Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
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Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*