that’s really how it is
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Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
This was the best day of my life
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
me logging onto twitter
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
getting groceries
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know