My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
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Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me