A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
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I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME