Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
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If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*