me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
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In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship