Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
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“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
That de-escalated quickly
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
This is a sub tweet
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus