is there nothing we can trust anymore
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i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.