Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
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I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.