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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
If I ignore life will it go away?
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face